Lenore Skenazy: Welcome to Southwest Airlines and enjoy your canceled flight! | Chroniclers

Attention readers: Lenore Skenazy is on leave this week. Please enjoy the following column by Stephanie Hayes.

Hello and welcome to your 2021 Southwest Airlines flight to nowhere.

Please assemble at the gate according to your group. Standard procedure is to hover over your assigned letter, nervously clutching your boarding pass. Now just place your body between two people who don’t seem so assertive. Even better if there is a kid you can bigfoot. Good. Get as close as possible to the front of your group lane, even if your number is B-5 469 232.

When someone says, “I’m B-6, what are you? »Pretend not to notice them. Secure your phone and put on headphones. When they insist, say something like “Who knows how this all works? »Do not leave any space in the line. Consider putting down your carry-on and having a conversation with the saddlebag as if it were a human passenger. Tell the bag, “The first thing I do in Orlando is buy a MagicBand at a gas station. People will naturally leave you alone.

Now that you have formed an orderly queue, it is our unfortunate duty to tell you that this flight is canceled. We are sorry that we cannot help you find a way in your journey or offer you anything of value at this time.

People also read …

There is a lot of speculation as to why we canceled over 1,000 flights on Sunday, so let’s “clear the air”. To find? We have already “purged the air” this weekend! Oh, you don’t think that’s … OK.

Florida had bad weather, because, uh, Florida! If you know, you know. Florida started this. We’re also struggling with COVID-19 staff shortages, just like your Buffalo Wild Wings neighborhood. We don’t think we should be treated any differently from Buffalo Wild Wings. In fact, some of our flight attendants, at their wit’s end, both physically and mentally, have informed us of their intention to work at Buffalo Wild Wings.

We know you use social media and we encourage free speech. But at Southwest, we like to focus on the positives. We have many features to offer other than arriving at your destination, and we humbly ask you to consider how great this flight could have been.

We wish you had seen our Evolve cabin refurbishment, with more comfortable seat cushions and improved lumbar support. Unfortunately, we will not be offering seated service on any of our aircraft. This approach will keep the new pillows nice and soft. No butts on this! Haha! Oh, you’re not in the mood to … move on.

It’s still a pandemic, and we know cleanliness is important. Planes you won’t be flying on today have been thoroughly cleaned with an electrostatic disinfectant and antimicrobial spray. We also use effective HEPA filters to purify the air you won’t breathe. The best way to protect yourself is not to even get on board in the first place.

We offer free snacks and drinks on all of our flights over 250 miles, but because your flight will be zero miles, there will be no service. If you kindly ask the attendant at the gate, he can give you a handful of belVita breakfast cookies that you can munch on with your double soda vodka at the nearest airport bar. It is crucial to line the stomach.

Finally, we ask you to think about what you missed. You missed a seatmate chatting about his sister-in-law’s Botox crash. You have missed seven tense exchanges with a man whose mask “keeps slipping from his nose”. You missed four crying babies and a screening of “A Star Is Born,” which you’ve probably seen before. Ask yourself, did you really want to fly today anyway?

Oh, did you do it? Oh. We regret that we cannot help you with this.

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist for the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her on @stephhayeswrites on Facebook, @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephhayes on Instagram.

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